Am I That Unlovable?
by michaelscotedeproblem
Summary: That long line of pain and heartbreak may finally be enough for Ziva, but how can Tony just being there, help her?


**I got this idea, when I was reading a story called 'Forever' by Maggie Stiefvater. I believe she's an American author from Virginia. She's fantastic. I was reading one chapter, and a similar sort of thing happened between two of the characters. I just had to do this with Tony and Ziva. :)**

**This story is written from Ziva's POV. I tried to not to make it OOC, but who knows, it may be a little OOC in there. Enjoy and don't forget to click that review button!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or NCIS. But if I did, Tony and Ziva would have been a couple since Undercovers in season 3. And hey, maybe one or two Tiva kiddies...**

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><p>We were sat silently beside each other on my couch. Tony had come over with a movie, for us to watch. I should have known, he'd be the one, to see through my mask, the one I used to hide my emotions. He'd not given me sympathy, which I was grateful for, the last thing I needed was to appear weak.<p>

So, when he had turned up, outside my door, with chips, beer and a DVD, I was pleased. We were halfway through the movie, when I curled into his side; his arm already resting on the back of the couch, behind me.

To say he was surprised, when I threw my arm over his thighs, sounded about right; his body stiffened, like it wasn't functioning below me. His muscles felt tight, hard and unmoving, no breath escaped his lips. I was terrified I had made a mistake, but when I saw him hesitating with the arm behind me, lifting and dropping it slightly, every few seconds; I understood that he was debating whether to hold me.

I decided to make the move for him; I turned on my back, and reached up, I grabbed his arm, and turned back over, pulling his arm with me. I intertwined our fingers, and laid our hands on my chest, sighing deeply, I turned my attention back to the film.

Luckily, Tony relaxed a few minutes later; so I snuggled further into his lap, allowing myself to enjoy his company. I did wish to be alone; but somehow I had hoped Tony would come, and now that he had, I never wanted him to leave me.

He slouched more underneath me; his body slithering down the leather of my couch, my body following of its own accord. We ended up, with me lying completely on top of him; anyone who saw us, would think we were a couple. But we weren't.

Whenever someone asks us now; if we're a couple, we deny it, but continue acting the way we did with each other, before the question was arisen. It was our routine; something that was a constant in our lives, ever since we met. It was the only permanent thing in life I had. _He_ was permanent in my life. And I vowed to keep it that way.

Every man in my life so far; had hurt me in more ways than one. Tony had been right each time, but I only ever saw it as jealousy. I always thought he'd never learn; but now I realized, I was the one that needed to learn.

The latest in my long line of pain was Ray. We'd had a nice relationship, until he kept secrets from me; or at least I'd discovered he'd kept secrets. Work was always somehow involved, when it came to my personal life; making me feel like I couldn't escape, feeling unwanted... and unloved.

After the credits had rolled, Tony and I reluctantly separated, putting a bit of space between us on the couch. Neither of us had said a word to each other, since he arrived; I was thankful at first, but now I was beginning to feel awkward with it, unsure of what to do. Did I want to be honest with him? Or just thank him for being here for me?

I presumed he was expecting the latter; he never expected me to be honest with my emotions, he always hoped I would, but never thought I would. He knew me so well.

Although, I didn't want to be that way; I wanted to open up to him, I just found it hard to do so. Still nothing was said, and I was starting to get agitated. I wouldn't be completely honest with him; but I thought of something that would gauge a reaction out of him, and it did explain my true emotional state of mind.

"Am I that unlovable?" My voice appeared weak, and cracked towards the end of the question. He remained silent for a while; seemingly trying to comprehend whether I stated a rhetorical question or not. I was going to speak again, but his gentle voice interrupted mine.

"Your family love you." I gathered he was speaking about NCIS. Abby, McGee, Gibbs and Ducky. But what about him?

"Don't you love me?" I saw him swallow. _Hard. _He would find this question difficult to answer, to be honest, I found the question hard to voice as it was. He stayed silent, I respected him, it was a question that could have more than one plausible answer, I had to give him time. But the fear and anticipation was building up, and attempting to eat me, inside and out. Before I could stop myself, words began spewing out of my mouth. "I mean... Am I just, not worth loving? Do I deserve all this heartbreak?"

"Nobody deserves the heartbreak you've suffered." I was grateful that he was talking again.

"Then why won't someone love me?" It wasn't a rhetorical question; I actually wanted an answer. But what was he supposed to say to that? _I don't know Ziva. _That's what I expected him to say. However, what happened next was not what I expected from him; it shocked me to my very core, twisting my stomach and heart in so many ways.

He kissed me.

Not like the previous one we shared undercover, all those years ago. This one was passionate, slow, gentle, loving. The type of kiss I had waited so long for. His lips were soft and warm against mine; so tender, so caring. His hands rested in my hair, his fingers threading through my dark locks. I felt as though he belonged there, holding me to him, kissing me, it had a natural familiarity. I wanted to keep him there forever; he was like the missing hole in my heart, the gap that only he could fill. A special place in my heart, that only Tony DiNozzo could get into.

I didn't want him to pull away from me, his supple lips like a drug, I had concealed within me. But the need for oxygen became far too much; and we reluctantly pulled apart; my lungs felt like they were on fire, a burning sensation of him left behind, inside me.

He stroked my cheek lovingly; providing a bit of comfort and reassurance for me. It took us several minutes to catch our breath, our hearts beating at a normal rate again. I was still shocked but happy that he had kissed me. No longer did I have, one memory of his lips on mine. I would treasure this for my entire life; take it to my grave, if this was the only kiss I'd get from him. I had nothing to say. I couldn't. I was too perplexed by my current situation. Tony was the one who spoke.

"That's how I'd kiss you... If I loved you." And at that statement, my heart nearly jumped out of my throat.

I froze. I couldn't move, what had happened was far beyond what I expected. But I didn't regret it. I just sat there, and watched as my partner slipped away from me, I immediately missed his warmth, but I just couldn't move. He silently grabbed his things, and smiled gently at me, before he walked out of the door.

All I could so was lift my fingers to touch my lips, where his had been only minutes ago. My lips felt numb and dry, but he had touched them, kissed them so sweetly, that I thought my fingers were glued there. It was his way, of saying he cared, showing that he was always there. He loved me in the permanent friendly way, I had needed for now. But was it a want or a need, for something much more permanent than what he had just given?

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><p><strong>Review button is just down there! Criticisms and advice are more than welcome. But if it comes across as offensive, your review will be removed. I'm only human. Thanks. Hannah.<strong>


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